God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys