Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
so i’m at the stock market right
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong