So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming