So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
concern
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ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Breaking news:
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me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”