Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !