My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
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When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Perfection.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”