When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey