When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.