Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
This makes total sense…
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.