When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove