I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.