Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
This raises questions
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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom