Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.