Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
You Might Also Like
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
This week’s mood.