People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
You Might Also Like
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.