no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Oops I deleted….
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Saw your ex at the shops
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra