no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo![]()
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Breaking news:
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now