Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
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My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*