I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though