Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
scrabbled eggs
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.