[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*