I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
#MeanwhileInCanada
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
bad news gang
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
it be like that
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how