bad news gang
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I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
A dad and his duck
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!