Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
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“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
eggs benadryl
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”