The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
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Cool shirt 🙂
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain