@Fred_Delicious
@BruceForce Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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@BruceForce 
@Sammy_Sega BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
@badbanana My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
@rhysjamesy So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
@fro_vo [restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
@wildethingy Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
@david8hughes [me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
@pizza_dragon “I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
@stewiecoffee I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
@weezie76 Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!