Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!