“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows