@Fred_Delicious

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

You Might Also Like

@BruceForce

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

@Sammy_Sega

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

@rhysjamesy

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

@wildethingy

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

@pizza_dragon

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

@stewiecoffee

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

@weezie76

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!