Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.