ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
What
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Hank is one in a melon.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.