[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
is it earth
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I am crying
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…