At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?