At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
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I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
an airline just for babies.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
What do you hear?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?