Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
blocked.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Cake safety first. Always.