*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
You Might Also Like
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
the Monday after daylight savings
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
This probably isn’t good
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her