Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
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First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.