Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Selfie
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored