I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
New favorite tiktok
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Twitter is an abusement park.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down