Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.