Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
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true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”