I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
titanic
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what