No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.