My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
This makes total sense…
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?