[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here