How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational