“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.