Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
You Might Also Like
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Feel. He’s so soft.