To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
That’s incredible! 👌
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
What even happened today?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?