cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Breaking news:
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys