NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”