@theshantilly

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

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@thepunningman

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

@ambergambler_

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

@ericsshadow

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

@MsCassieDaniels

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

@BeTheCookie

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

@TheForbesFam

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

@SardonicTart

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

@justinbieber

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2