It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.