Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I triple waxed for this?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved