No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
#Thanos #MondayMood
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks