*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Perfection.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.