Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
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My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?