My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope